I had a weekend laced with insecurity. Yes, it happened. I’m only human and I’m not mad about it. On Saturday evening, my partner and I were together lounging and relaxing. Out of nowhere I asked him why he had not initiated cuddling. He gave me a blank stare. I then went on to explain that I wanted him to not only snuggle with me but to initiate it. He said, “If you want to be close to me just get closer.” The response only made me upset. I felt let down, disappointed and invalidated. I couldn’t even articulate the reason for these feelings but he could sense them churning.
Some of you may be thinking my boyfriend should have just gotten closer and did some cuddling. If he snuggled with me it would have put an end to it all, right? That is what I thought at the moment and even on Sunday. However I don’t think so any longer. It is now Wednesday. The more I became objective and emotionally distant from the situation the more I noticed my insecurity got the best of me.
Here is the dilemma folks! Ready? When my guard is down and my vibration is low I slip into old habits. This old habit is seeking a “pacifier” and expecting him to read my mind. In other words, instead of self- soothing I was grasping for him to save me from my low emotions although he had no clue how I was feeling. I was stressed out from work demands that I had not disclosed to him. In addition, I had been feeling sick (off and on) for over two months because of some respiratory infection that just won’t go away! There were some other things happening but I don’t recall right now. The point is I wanted him to magically read my mind AND follow-through with what he read in my mind. In a way, I set him up for failure when he did not have a clue what was happening inside of my head. When he couldn’t read my mind I got upset. This disappointment only reinforced the insecurity. A vicious cycle like no other! Who else has done this?
Sadly, I have been in numerous relationships with damaged and broken people. Hurt people, hurt people. I am a survivor who recognizes the consequences of these experiences. Insecurity is one of the consequences. Let’s look at the definition. I like this routine it’s a great refresher.
- uncertainty or anxiety about oneself; lack of confidence.
- the anxiety you experience when you feel vulnerable
- lack of security
- the state of being open to danger or threat; lack of protection. (thanks Google)
When the insecurity happens I expect my partner to swoop in to protect and eliminate this anxiety even if they do NOT know the insecurity is happening! Dealing with the insecurity is my job. If he manages it and attends to the lack of confidence and anxiety it will only worsen. It’s similar to giving your child praise for a temper tantrum.
My partner is my lover and will always support me. I am so grateful! Magical thinking and unrealistic expectations are irrational. If I needed more touch from him I could have asked or initiated. Plain and simple. I’ve never been rejected. I’ve never been shunned. But my mind and emotions recall the rejection and hurt from past boyfriends when my guard is down. There is the insecurity!
It took days of reflection and meditation to get to this understanding of myself. I am being transparent tonight so my gain can be your gain. Feeling insecure is not your fault. The insecurity is a symptom of a horrific experience(s). We have to figure out the root then work towards the healing. Unreasonable expectations of others only sets loved ones up for no follow-through. When they can’t follow-through your needs are unmet. Epic fail.
The next time you feel that insecurity label it as such. Take a break for emotions to calm. Then reflect by meditating and journaling. Be patient and the insight will hit you. When it dawns on you don’t be ashamed to grieve. You’ve been through hell, but you will rise from the ashes like a Phoenix!